Choose To Free People Rather Than Hurt People

Week 4:5 Let Hope In

Choosing to Free People Rather Than Hurt People 

Have you ever had someone you count on make a promise and then break it? How about a close friend who takes a deep secret that you shared in confidence and tells somebody else? 

Maybe you had someone who was entrusted to care for you but instead hurt you in one of the deepest ways imaginable by abusing you physically or sexually? A business partner gains your trust and then exploits it?

How about an ex-spouse who took the love you had for one another and ruined it by cheating on you?

If you live long enough, chances are you’ll be hurt or betrayed by someone. Betrayal is not just being hurt by somebody; it’s being hurt by someone you thought you could count on. Betrayal is always a violation of trust and a breaking of a promise. It comes at the hand of a friend, spouse, coworker, or boss. And like a sucker punch, it always comes as a shock.

The crippling reality is that if we don’t do something with that hurt or betrayal, it will assault us every time it comes to our mind. It will keep us prisoner of our past because that hurt will impact everything we touch—whether it’s sleeping, traveling, dreaming, or parenting.

Some of you have somehow convinced yourself that you can manage the hurt from your past without offering forgiveness. In fact, maybe you even tell yourself that you can hardly remember the pain. But unfortunately, the pains we dare not remember are often the most dangerous pains of all. We fear these particular hurts so much. that we stuff them deep into our heart and past. But they always come back. Usually disguised, but they always come back.

That’s why today we’re talking about one of the most important choices you can make if you truly want to let hope in and that’s CHOICE 4: CHOOSE TO FREE PEOPLE RATHER THAN HURT PEOPLE.

In Forgive and Forget, theologian Lewis Smedes wrote, “Our hate does not even have the decency to die when those we hate die—for it is a parasite sucking our blood, not theirs.”

You may be completely justified for the bitterness you have. You may have every right to not forgive certain people in your life. But you need to know bitterness contaminates everything. It spreads far and wide and deep. Bitterness doesn’t isolate to the source of bitterness; it spreads to all of your relationships. And left unchecked, it will ruin everything that is important to you.

Which is why sometimes you don’t forgive someone for his or her sake; you do it for your own freedom.

Hate makes you want to see them hurt in the same way they made you hurt. It makes you dream about evening the score.

One day, Jesus was trying to make a point about forgiveness and so he told a story. Generally, when Jesus wanted to make a life-changing point he would do it via a simple story. This one was about a king who was settling debts with his servants.

Matthew 18:-27

"As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be  patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go."

Imagine for a moment the fear and utter sense of humiliation this servant must feel. He is going to be either thrown in jail or sold into slavery. And not just him, but also his whole family would be sold into slavery. And not just for this generation, but for generations to come. A slave was worth maybe two thousand dollars. So the sale of his whole family into slavery would not pay for even one-tenth of one percent of the debt. Ten thousand talents was a massive debt. One single talent is worth about sixteen years of wages. He owes upward of 160,000 years of wages, which meant he is facing slavery for him, his wife, his children, and his descendants for generations and generations to come. For reasons probably no one understands, the master says, “You’re not going to be a slave. You’re not going to lose your family. You may keep what you owe. You are set free.”

When the owner forgives the debt, the debt doesn’t just disappear. The owner absorbs it and takes the loss. It costs the owner the equivalent of hundreds of millions of dollars when he forgives his servant. This is a huge debt that’s forgiven. The master in this story, of course, represents God. The other main character in this story, the servant, is you and me. Jesus said that we have accumulated a moral debt before a just and holy God and have been adding to it for years, every time we were less than loving to another person, every time we had a lustful thought or judgmental attitude, every time we gossiped, we were adding to our debt at a rapid pace.

Jesus was saying that God looked at you, looked at me, and was moved with compassion. He then sent his Son, Jesus, to die on a cross the death that, by all rights, I should have died because of my sinfulness. The death that you should have died. The death that we deserved to die, he died instead on the cross.

The Bible says that on the cross Jesus paid our debt and absorbed the loss so that we could be free. The place that ultimately expresses God’s forgiveness is the cross.

In the story Jesus was telling, the servant is off the hook. He owes his life, his freedom, his family, his possessions, everything to the grace of his master. He doesn’t have to repay a cent. So everybody listening to this story wanted to know, how was this guy going to respond? What will his life look like in the second chapter?

Matthew 18 28-30

Jesus continued, "But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owned him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me! he demanded. His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.' But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt" 

And this is the same servant who was just forgiven of everything, who was completely set free. He thinks to himself, “I’m not going to make the same mistake the master made with me. I’m not going to get stuck with it,” and he won’t forgive the debt. He essentially says in his heart, “I’m going to make you pay.”

It’s normal for human beings to want to retaliate. When someone pushes us, it’s instinctive to want to push back. When someone raises their voice at us, we want to yell back a little louder. When someone hurts us, we want to see them get hurt back.

Here’s the truth about forgiveness, though: authentic forgiveness is never cheap. When we get hurt and the hurt is deep and the hurt is unfair, we want the other person to get hurt back. We want them to know the pain that they’ve inflicted on us. We want them to pay. I know what that feels like. You do too. Especially those of you who have been hurt in unjust, and deeply unfair ways. We just want the other person to pay. It’s human nature.

In essence, someone has run up a moral debt with you, and you know it to the penny. You’re thinking, Yeah, but if I forgive him, I know what that means. It means I’m going to have to swallow the debt. I’ll have to pay the cost. And the cost is not making them hurt back, not getting even, letting it go.

Understanding how God has received us is the only place we’ll ever get the resources to receive others when they’ve sinned against us. The only way we’ll be able to forgive others when they wrong us is understanding that when we sin against God, when we run as far away from him as we can, when we return, he receives us.

When we get that, when that moves from our head to our heart, we understand that we can’t do anything but forgive people when they wrong us. We can’t help but begin to let go of the hate that has us barricaded in the past. As we forgive people, we gradually begin to see them differently. Our hate blinds us, keeping us from seeing them apart from what they’ve done to us. But forgiveness allows us to see deeper into them.

They are people who hurt us; however, this is not what is most true of them. They were broken human beings before they hurt us, and they are broken human beings after they hurt us. They are hurting, needy, and weak before they hurt us, and they are hurting, needy, and weak after they hurt us.

I’m not saying it becomes easy, but when you understand how you have wronged God and that you have been a messed-up person who has only sinned against him your entire life and yet he’s received you through the death of his Son, you are compelled to forgive other people. My understanding of God’s forgiving me despite me enables me to forgive others despite others. And while this act of forgiveness may not erase your past hurt, it does erase the power it has over you. It all allows your past to truly become just that—your past.

It is impossible to truly forgive others in our own strength, especially when they have hurt us deeply or betrayed our trust. We can try not to think about what they did or stuff our feelings deep inside and put on a false smile when we see them. But unless our heart is cleansed and changed by God, the memories and the feelings will still be lurking in the background, poisoning our thoughts and words, and preventing the rebuilding of trust and relationship. There is only one way to overcome these barriers, and that is to admit that we cannot forgive in our own strength and that we desperately need God to come in and change our heart.

Flight attendants are very familiar with this concept. Before every flight, they explain how in case of an emergency, Oxygen bags will open up and how passengers must secure their own mask before assisting others. Flight attendants understand that if passengers attempt to help others first, they could be in danger of not only losing oxygen themselves if there’s a loss of cabin pressure but also not being able to continue assisting others. Passengers, on the other hand, who are breathing the oxygen, first are able to help as many others as they can reach.

You can’t breathe out what you haven’t breathed in. Breathing grace totally hinges on your moment-to-moment dependency on God. We have to find ways to continually “breathe in” God’s grace.

I think it’s essentially impossible to really forgive someone if we don’t trust God for the supernatural strength. It’s just not in most of us. Unless we understand how the Father, through Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection, has received us, I don’t know where else we get the resources to begin the journey of forgiveness.

In recent years I’ve spent a lot of time with people who desperately want to experience the healing that comes along with forgiving someone. And with each one of them, generally there is one of three hurdles that seem to stand in the way of forgiveness.

3 OBSTACLES 

1) FORGIVENESS IS NOT CONDONING

The first hurdle is the idea that forgiving is the same as condoning. Forgiving is not condoning. It does not mean that you condone what someone did that was wrong. It does not mean that you

excuse what someone did. Forgiveness is not the same thing as excusing someone. It does not mean that you decide you will tolerate injustice. Injustice needs to be fought at every turn.

Forgiveness is the opposite of excusing. The fact that forgiveness is needed and granted indicates that what someone did was wrong and inexcusable. Forgiveness says, “We both know that what you did was wrong and without excuse. But since God has forgiven me, I forgive you.” Because forgiveness deals honestly with sin, it brings a freedom that no amount of excusing or condoning could ever hope to provide.

2) FORGIVENESS IS NOT RECONCILIATION

The second hurdle is the idea that forgiving means you always reconcile with the other person. Forgiving is not reconciling. Sometimes you cannot reconcile. Remember what the apostle Paul said: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Rom. 12:18 niv). Note the phrase “If it is possible,” meaning sometimes it’s just not possible.

If the other person is not willing to acknowledge their part, if they are not willing to confess and repent when they have wronged you, then you cannot reconcile. You cannot build a relationship safely unless it’s built on truth. Without truth, there’s no trust. Without trust, you have no relationship. You cannot build a relationship safely unless it’s built on truth.

3) FORGIVENESS IS NOT FORGETTING

The third hurdle is that people often confuse forgiveness and forgetting. Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. In fact, we need to forgive precisely because we have not forgotten what someone did. Forgetting is a passive process in which a matter fades from memory merely with the passing of time. Forgiving is an active process; it involves a conscious choice and a deliberate course of action.

The writer of Isaiah tells us that God “remembers your sins no more” (43:25 niv). He’s not saying he can’t remember our sins; rather, he’s saying he will not remember them. When he forgives us, he chooses not to mention, recount, or think about our sins ever again.

Similarly, when we forgive, we must draw on God’s grace and consciously decide not to dwell on or incessantly talk about what others have done to hurt us. This may require a lot of effort, especially when an offense is still fresh in mind. Fortunately, when we decide to

Again, forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget, excuse, tolerate, or overlook; rather, it means you choose the way of love over hate, letting go of your right to hurt them back.

Forgiving someone means knowing full well that the offense was inappropriate, improper, or out-and-out wrong—and then deciding to relinquish your feelings of being entitled to make the 

guilty person pay.

You can always forgive, because what it means to forgive some- one is to let go of your desire to see them hurt. You let it go. This takes time because it’s a process.

When someone hurts us, there are consequences. We’re going to live with the consequences whether we want to or not. Our only choice is whether we will do so in the bitterness of unforgiveness or the freedom of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is me giving up the right to hurt you for hurting me. Instead of hurting you for hurting me, I make a conscious choice to free you despite hurting me. While hurt people will hurt people, free people will free people.

Some of you may be carrying this burden around. Put it down today. Because if you don’t, it’ll ruin you. It costs a lot to forgive, but to not forgive costs you even more—your heart. Don’t forgive and you will become chained to your anger and resentment. Don’t forgive and bit by bit all the joy will get choked out of you. Don’t forgive and you won’t be able to trust again. Don’t forgive and the bitterness will crowd the compassion out of your heart, slowly, utterly, and forever.

I long for you to experience this miracle of extending forgive- ness. It’s a miracle because even though we might still have the memory, forgiveness allows us to assert our God-given power to let go. When our past can no longer control or destroy us, it becomes a collection of experiences that deepen the wisdom of our heart. It brings us to a place of empathy and compassion for others. Whether or not we forget, forgiveness undeniably acts as a healing balm to the memories we carry.

I believe the Bible teaches that the only power to forgive lies in the experience of being forgiven. As the apostle Paul wrote, "Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you" (Eph. 4:32)

The only thing that gives us fallen, messed-up people the power to extend grace to anyone is the experience of being for- given by a holy God. No clever principles or simple steps. Just the cross. The cross is the place where we see the ultimate expression of the heart of God. The cross is God’s ultimate tool against the anger and hostility, hurt and hate that would otherwise destroy the human race.

Now you choose: Vengeance or mercy? Prison or freedom? Hatred or grace? Death or life? We are never so free as when we reach back into our past and forgive a person who caused us pain. Inhale grace and then breathe it back out again, choosing to bless someone instead of cursing yourself.